I'm LivingDead
by ladyxkodomo
Summary: Sakura feels like a wimp in Tomoyo's shadow-she is mocked, teased, and goes unnoticed. She decides to take it into her own hands, and seeks out the help of the most unlikely guy on earth.EPILOUGE(1) IS UP! All of you, the first end is here. R AND R
1. Default Chapter

  
  
  
  
  


A/N: I just wrote this for kicks. If anyone wants to see more, tell me, kay?   
Disclaimer: Don't own a piece of CCS.   


Gone   


I thought I was always in Tomoyo's shadow. She had it all, or so everybody else thought. Love-looks-life-voice-riches-who could ask for more? I was her best friend to her, but to everyone else, I was a wannabe, an apprentice, a pupil, a speck, a loser, a low-life, and the list goes on. Even Syaoran Li, the hottest guy in school, had his eyes set on her. I wish they'd just tear their eyes away from her for a second and look at me without the glares and meaness. Just look at me for who I am.   


"Yeah, so, I told him I was gonna be late and he stands me up..."   
6th grade hallway. It seems I am hidden in the purple-black locks that befall upon my shoulders. The hair's not mine, but Tomoyo's. It looks like snakes, going to entangle in me, going to squeeze till my guts pop out. I jerk away, and if by coincidence, into Syaoran Li. He stares.   
"Loser." He shakes me off and joins his cool group, and I am in the shadows again, forgotten.   
"He_ stood you up_? You should just break ties with him, Tommie." Tomoyo's nickname is only to be said by the popular people, as she said: "You say Tomoyo, they say Tommie."   
The bell rings, and I am grateful. I rush off to Language Arts and bump into Meiling Li, Syaoran's cousin and fiancee'. She seems to be my only aqauntince, since nobody cares to know the speck of dust that trails after Tomoyo.   
"Hello, Sakura." She says the name briskly, and then walks away, joining up with her poppie group. Am I the only who'd gone unnoticed? I sigh, and turn the which ways over to class.   
As usual, my math teacher skimps on my name. "Is there anyone I didn't call?" Well, yeah, I think. I let myself hide. Math class gives me hives.   
The day wore on, and as always, the blackness of Tomoyo's crude shadow envelopes me as I stay, strictly a sole step behind her. The only times she turns and talks to me are the times when she criticizes on my clothing. Criticizes on how I should put my hair into a chopstick ponytail, and not just a sporty one. Criticizes on how my backpack should be purple, and not pink. Criticizes...criticizes....and she tells me I am her best friend.   
At the end of the day, only Tomoyo and Chiharu walk me home. Strictly walk me home. They seem to be talking to each other, and not me. Am I ugly? I think to myself as I look in the mirror after school. Sick? A geek? Too wannabe-ish? Too smart? Disgusting? A slave? There are no answers to these questions. Floating, I call them. Sakura's Floating Questions. The never answered ones.   
Dinnertime at Tomoyo's. I only go here to eat. The food is resplendent-all the things I like, just for me. Tomoyo has her own platter. There is only a cucumber and a small vile of Italian dressing. It seems Tomoyo is always on a diet....I don't think she's fat. Sonomi, her mom, compliments me on my shirt, but I always know she is thinking the opposite inside-Ew! Yuck! Where-When-How-Ew-sick-nasty-   
I want to die.   
  
  
  
  



	2. Have you come to help me live or help me...

  
  
  
  


A/N: I didn't think I would get reviews for this, but I did-yay! Thanks for all the (yet little) reviews, people. Yori-chan, you guessed somewhat correct-I am writing this from my friend's POV; he is often pushed away from the crowd, as I, some times, but we cannot help our social lives. (I wish.)   
Disclaimer: Don't own a single slice of CCS. 

I'm LivingDead or Gone, part 2   


As once more, the next day I am pushed into the withering crowd of people. Trailing as a flea behind Tomoyo, my faults seem endless-one day I'm stupid, the next I'm strictly a wannabe, the next I hither myself as a low-life who thinks she's Miss Thang. Miss All That. Miss If-I-hang-around-Tommie-I'll-be-famous. Can't anyone look past the glam and the glitz and the peach smelling shampoo in front of me? Or am I invisible?   
The day wears on; this time I don't have math (Gratefully.) Still, I feel as if the earth wears down on my soul. Let me be, let me go! I want to scream at everyone. Just leave me alone!   
Someone pulls my ponytail and laughs. I whirl around, expecting to see Tomoyo or one of her stuck up drones-but instead stands the glassy amber eyed, ruffled brownish hair Syaoran. His perfect hands still in mid air from the pull. Instantly my cheeks turn a deep velvety red and I feel a huge lump in my throat.   
"Where's Tommie?" Syaoran asks, playing with his voice; making it a babyish, high pitched tone. Is he trying to mock me? "I thought your life was hers, Sakura. What happened? Has she decided to pull someone else's strings for awhile?" He and his friends laugh at...at me? Or Tomoyo? My head spins. What are they trying to do? Torment me or help me? I can't take it anymore. Swiftly, knocking my ponytail into Syaoran's perfect cheek, I rush the opposite way. Don't follow me, I plead with the air. Stoppit!   
For a few minutes I run until I am breathless. I didn't know where I was going, but now I'm in the gymnasium, and there is a game going on. Tomoyo and her cheerleading squad are flaunting their perfect, skinny stomachs while they raise pom poms and arms, yelling cheers. I slip into a door, under the bleachers, and cry.   
What should I do? I ask this question (a floating question) to myself every time....this happens. Was I made to live or was I made to die? After pondering for awhile, I hear a knock on the side door I'd slipped into.   
"Yo!" A DJ's head pops in. "Anyone here?"   
I cower in the dusty corner, holding my breath (partly so the Deejay doesn't hear me, and partly so I don't breathe any spiders in.   
"Da coasts'is' clear, my bro," The DJ snatches a twenty from an unrecognizable hand.   
"Thanks, man." The voice gets closer. "I owe ya one."   
"Dun mention it."   
The side door is closed and now all I can hear is a gravelly sound. My eyes are shut tight and I breathe into my jacket, praying they won't notice me...but then again, who does?   
And then I feel something against my cheek. 

************   
A/N: SO! It's the second chapter. This is a weird one, eh? Well remember, NO REVIEWS, NO CHAPTERS!!!!!!HURRY UP AND GET IT ON!!! (Ew, that DID NOT sound right!!!!!!!!)   



	3. I Know You're Not Lying This Time

  
  
  


A/N: OMG!!!!!! I just got back from a dance and am going to get five buckies for slow dancing with my friend...sigh, he is okay but it was embarrasing, BUT IT WAS ONLY FOR 5 SECONDS AND THE MONEY'S WORTH IT! Hee hee! Total ultra double cool with knobs that I got so many reviews!!!!!!!! So here is the next chapter!!! Oh, all of you waiting for the long gone next chapter of Found You Again, don't worry, it's coming, and as for Ask Me Out, Stranger! I have to experience the Christmas dance before I write it....gomen...but I am totally sure it will have something like what happened to me on this dance!!! Whew!!!!! That was ultra freaky, and yet so double cool with knobs!   
Disclaimer: Sadly, my CCS pie does not belong to me, alas, I TOOK A SLICE!!! FORGIVE!!!!!! DON'T BE A HATER!!! (no j/k!!!)   
Dear Nathan if you're reading this.....wasn't that dance so embarrasing? Oh well did you get your 5 doru from Mark yet???   


I look up, forcing my nose to exhale. What I saw I didn't expect to see, for what was on my cheek wasn't the lips I wanted it to be, but a soft, welcoming hand. I wince at the touch, though really it soothes me.   
"What are you doing in here? Did I startle you?"   
What is Syaoran doing under the bleachers? Maybe someone will come in and they'll make out. I won't look, I promise, if someone comes in. Oversexed adolescents don't give much of a good impression.   
"Sorry if I surprised you, but I hang here too. Not many people want to go under the bleachers 'coz they don't want roaches in their clothes....'sides, I know the Deejay. He's cool."   
Who is he talking to? It must be himself, I think, because the man who had ignored me once before was now talking...openly...to me? He had said my name, after all. But I still had that floating question: _You trying to help me or you trying to kill me?_   
"What...are...you doing here?"   
Did I have to say that? The words sound choked and dead husky in a special sort of way. He smiles, though, taking the whole thing seriously.   
"I'm sorry I teased you before."   
Did he just say what I thought he said? I'm sorry I teased you before. What is that supposed to mean! Syaoran is supposed to hate me, everyone is supposed to hate me, I am the only person who is forbidden to love.   
But is all that changing now?   
I don't answer. I just stare at him like he is the loco one.   
"Do..do you mean it?"   
His soft pale skin and his dreamy amber eyes want me to reach up and kiss him even more. I resist the urge, but I do lean forward a bit.   
Wonderful. Wonderful Syaoran. Take me home. I want to love you like I have never loved before. Take me into you and soothe me from the death and despair of this world. Be my hero...my knight in a green checked collared shirt and baggy brown pants.   
And then he is about to say something. The words are held in his mouth, locked there, trying to force there way out. But they can't. Because the bleacher door opens again and there is Tomoyo.   
She is more of the sexy lavender goddess she was. Draped in an ancient purple lace petticoat and a fancy lilac shawl with a siwrly fringe, her dark sweepy hair cascading over lengths of pale white Snow White skin, she patters in with her 5-inch platform sandals.   
My feet tense under my Skechers sneakers. It's too overwhelming for me as I watch her phreak with the deejay under the fake alluminum stars in on the gymnasium walls. My jeans feel tigther than normal and my Quiksilver jacket makes me perspire like heck though it's freezing in here. I want to cry and be free.   
But can I? No. I am not a goddess. I am not an angel. I am a stupid swotty girl who hides behind the shadows of a love goddess while her slaves-the whole world below me-bows before her.   
With a dry and raspy voice I turn to Syaoran. "I wish you could help me," I mouth.   
"But I can," He answers, and soft angel-like fingers brush away my hair.   
And this time I know he is not lying. 

******   
A/N: Hee hee...I luvvy this chapter. It was nice. I'm trying to give it a Francesca Lia Block-y kind of sense. I like her style of writing and her stories. They are deep and double cool, with knobs.   
Remember-no reviews come no chapters!!!   



	4. I Can Be

  
  
  


A/N: Experienced the Christmas dance, and now I'm DEFINATELY gonna get my moolah, since Jacob is not the person to lie. (I don't think he is, anyway.) Well, no reviews, no chapters, remember, and gitchy gitchy zsa zsa whatever. French oui oui something. I'm filled up coz I just ate, so I am acting soo mental. Ain't I always, tho?   
Later: I just watched White Oleander. OMG!!!! It was soooooo good! It ACTUALLY had a story to it! (But really...it did.)   
Note: There's cussing in this one, from from now on, there will be. But it's not heavy, so it's ok.   
Disclaimer: I don't own CCS, but I tooka dang sliver of the sliverish pie. Oh yah babee. 

I'm LivingDead or Gone, Part 4   


I stare at Syaoran with big, rounded eyes and an innocent look. But do I mean it? More importantly, does he mean it? My eyes suddenly flood with thin tears that drop down onto my already damp sweater.The feelings, they flood, they burn, they hurt.   
He notices my reaction and takes my hand. His is warm and soft and I wonder, with all of his time playing soccer and doing pull-ups on the heavy wooden bar in the gym, why is hands are the way they are. Does he have a special secret? It doesn't matter, anyway, because if I ever find out I'll be dead. Dead because no one seems to want me.   
"Sakura," He says, his hand form and gentle, "You've got to believe me. I can help you. No one should be a shadow." He carresses my wet and trembling cheek. "Especially not you."   
He sits down next to me and lets my cry into his shoulder. He doesn't care that I'm sobbing into his shirt. He smells nice, like flowers and rain mixed together, and he is soft. I know now that he can help me.   
Now all I have to do is discover how. 

The next day, after the dance, I'm a shadow once more. In my heart I am broken and torn, heavy and hated. Syaoran said he would help me, and now he's Tomoyo's boyfriend. How the hell can he discover that I'm a person this way? He'll just get smothered in the perfume-lavender flames of Tomoyo's wrath. Everyone does.   
In between classes I follow Tomoyo into the girl's bathroom with her clique. They stand, one or two at a mirror, reapplying mascara or eyeshadow or lip gloss or concealer. I don't wear makeup-I wouldn't want to wear make-up. It's a waste of time, and besides, the whole fucking thing gets washed off your face anyhow at the end of the day. But still Tomoyo forces the concealer under my eyes.   
When we get out at lunch, Syaoran sees me over at the cherry blossom tree, drawing. He runs over, yelling to his friends he's got to get 'some supplies' from the market. I try hard to pretend to be drawing still, but he looks into my watery green eyes with his shining amber ones and I am captivated.   
"Do you want me to show you how?" I nod. I know what he is talking about. We run off and skip seventh period, but what the hell, I don't care. I've got my own prince in baggy clothes right here-and I can become a princess with his help.   
On the way to the store, his baggy jeans rustling, my knee-grazer skirt flying, he explains.   
"You need to be your own person," He says, looking my straight in the eye. "You need to escape the purple shadows, you need to become one and not be one. You need to look for yourself by yourself and not in someone else. You, Sakura-" He takes my hand then- "You need to be Sakura."   
He softly kisses my cheek with his Italian Reissiance lips and runs off, to his home. To disappear. To be loved, to love, to kiss his angel's lips. But he has helped me, and now I can-and will-become my own person.   
Me. Sakura Kinomoto. No shadow, no silence.   
Myself. 

********   
Don't worry, everyone!!! IT'S NOT OVER!!!! There's a continuation, and Syaoran does someting with Sakura. But what? Dang, I'm not gonna tell you, find out for yourself!!!!!!   



	5. Why?

  
  
  


A/N: This chap isn't really like a chapter continuing the story, it's just like a recap of all the changes in Sakura. It's alot to describe with the story, you'd just end up confused, so I'm putting it into its own personal chapter. Ha ha! Clever isn't it! j/k. No more dances until after break. They'll probably be boring, anyhow, considering that's the way my life is. Whoever thinks their life is fun-filled and exciting, adventurous and creative...GIVE IT TO ME! NOW! Erm, just kidding.   
Disclaimer: I didn't take a slice this time. You wanna know what I took? I TOOK A GLASS! MWA HA HA HA HA!! A glass of CCS!!!!!   
Note: Everyone who thinks that Sakura and the ace gang are in 6th grade....YOU'RE WRONG!!!! In the first chapter, they were just in the 6TH GRADE HALLWAY. I mean, you're allowed to loiter as you please, can't you? There's a difference between being in the 6th grade and being in the 6th grade hallway. They're in 8th grade. Oh, and kitty-kawaii, 6th grade can be _really_ difficult. Depends on who you are. 

I walk through the silent halls of Seijou High and try and remember the days when I was a speck. A flea. A piece of dirt, floating after Tomoyo Daidouji, the hottest and sexiest girl alive. When I was going to die. Alive.   
Now I'm different. I have a reputation, people know me, and some people even worship me. I am actually a person. Tomoyo still treats me like a piece of crap and maybe she still thinks I'm her freakin slave, but I'm not going to give in to her. She's the devil's angel. She sold her soul to him and he's keeping it, now and forever.   
So how did I earn my name? How did I continue to rescue myself from the depths of an angel's broken wing? The man I love. Syaoran Li. He is my sugarhigh. He is the one who helped me reach the ultimate, to become myself, to reach for the stars, helped pull me out of the black hole we're forced to call Humanity. He rescued me from it and now I'm one of them. In the stars. Rocking the world with everyone else.   
But he's not mine. He belongs to Tomoyo now, they snog and behave like two little cupids: One in a lavender-colored Armani sheath dress and 6 inch platform sandals, the other with baggy green pants and a checkered button down shirt. They are infinite lovers, they will never perish, and if they do, together. Their scent is still in the large halls of the school, even on the weekends, like now.   
My life is different and my soul has changed. With all of the punkness and sexy devil fads going around, why can't I change my appearance myself? I decided that two months ago. Now my look has changed also.   
My hair is dyed black with messed up brown highlights. It's pulled back into the messiest ponytail alive. On my feet are Vans sneakers and I carry a tattered, worn out skateboard with a swear word etched into the wheels. "So you know it's yours," Syaoran had said. It was a gift from him to me. I'm wearing preppy jeans-tight, silverish blue, makes my butt look too small for my body. On my top are slogans written in permanent hot pink marker: "Get Out", "Smile", "Sweet", "Drink My Soul"...weird things in frickenise Syaoran and I made up. Over that is a ripped gray Quiksilver jacket, the exact same one I was wearing when Syaoran had said he would help me. It still carries the stains of the tears I'd cried that faithful night.   
So what's wrong with me now? What burden do I still carry on my heavyweight shoulders? Love. Love is that stupid hangover that clings to my clean body, that won't let go. And I just don't know how to get rid of it. I've changed-appearances, life, reputation. What have I got to do to be truly happy? Oh, I know-kill myself! Not.   
I look at everyone else and wonder why. Why are they happy? I'm just like them, now. Maybe the burden of love I carry dutifully on my shoulders is also mixed with my painful past. Maybe I'm still sad, still dead, and yet alive. But I don't know how to get rid of it, and I don't think anyone else does, either. What must I do to destroy all the evil things? What must I do to live a really happy life? Can I? Will I?  
Or is there even a such thing as a really happy life? 

******** 


	6. Traitors

  


A/N: WHEW. I AM SO SORRY! For not getting the sixth up sooner. But I've been in a dillema. You know, homework, school, life, and my new boyfriend. yada yada yada. Don't you just wonder why life does this to you?   
Disclaimer: No slices, slivers, or glasses. This time, as before: I don't own CCS but I took a.....duh nuh nuh....SERVING of it! Hahahhahahaha!!!!! Servings.....haaha.   
Note: There's a _lot _of cussing in this one. Sorry to say, but there is...   
Note: **This chapter is rated PG-13 for a little lime (not quite lemon, but lime) for some mention of sexual related themes.**

I'm LivingDead or Gone, Part 6 

I sit here, on my windowsill, looking down at the quiet world below me. It is six thirty at night. I know I should be doing my homework, but that's not important--my social life is. Syaoran, that sweet life giver, told me that he would be coming over to my house after his date with Tomoyo at 6:45 PM.   
"Your new life is going to start today, Sakura," He told me, his eyes gleaming, his mouth shuddering with joyful expression. "I promise you. 6:45. Your house. Just you and me, Sakura, just you and me, alone, together."   
The alone part scares me. Sure, my dad is out--doing something, having affairs with numerous women, and my brother is somewhere out there--but it's just me. And Syaoran. _Alone._   
What if he tries to do something to me? I love him. Maybe too much. But I'm just not ready for _that._   
Suddenly, there are two voices rounding the corner: one, sweet and airy, tinkling like a bell, the other, deep and masculine, soothing and yet rough.   
"Tomoyo, my angel...my sweet angel..."   
I can hear her mischevious giggle. "I had fun tonight, Syao-kun," She said, batting her eyelashes. "Come take me out again very soon." I can hear her purring, low, deep in her throat. This is making me sick, and I can't even see them.   
"I promise, kitten, I'll take you somewhere heavenly, where the clouds will sweep you and me off our feet and carry us to a bed...a soft, welcoming bed..."   
Then I can hear her platform sandals tapping away, her soft, angelic "Bye!". And then all I hear is Syaoran's sneakers padding over to my house.   
He doesn't bother to ring the doorbell. He knows where I am, high above the windowsill. He waves. I wave back.   
"Hello, my equally sweet and divine love," He says, bowing, like a prince. "May I be of your aquantince?"   
He is just so sweet. Innocent. Clueless.   
"Come on up," I say, throwing down the ladder. "Don't make too much noise."   
"Why not?" He says, winking. "No one's home. Tomoyo's gone back to her mansion. It's seven at night, everyone is inside their own homes, doing their own private business. We can do anything we want, Sakura, because we're alone, together."   
Even though his words are meant to soothe me, they scare me. What does he mean, anything we want? I am frightened. Of him. Even of myself.   
When he reaches me, he throws down the ladder. Then he hikes up his knees up to his chin and hugs them tight. He looks into my eyes--deep amber orbs, penetrating my emerald jewels--and leans foward, just forward enough to press his lips against mine.   
I suck my breath in, and instead of closing them, my eyes open wide. Instantly, a million thoughts pour into my head. He has a girlfriend! He can kiss her! He never said he loved me! Why is he doing this? What about Tomoyo? What about my so-called friendship with her?   
He leans back slowly and his eyes are filled with amusement and pleasure. "Damn, that was sweet," He said, pushing in a little closer. "Wanna do something more?"   
This is so scaring me. I take two steps back. "W-what are you going to do, Syaoran?"   
I thought he was supposed to protect me. I thought he was going to make my life change in a good way. Not a bad way, and especially not _this _way.   
Without warning, he starts to kiss me, harsh and cold, and for the first time I smell alcohol on his breath. With a startled cry I realize _he's been drinking. _ He never drinks. At least, he never used to. What did that bitch Tomoyo do to him? Why is he doing this to me? This is the first time Syaoran has ever frightened me in such a way. The floating question comes back up again: _Is he trying to help me or is he trying to kill me? _The new me? It disappears, scared and wilted. The old me comes back--small and cowardly.   
I don't even try to pull back. What I do, he'll have an opposite reaction to it. So I just sit there and try not to take in that awful stench of alcohol that's penetrating me so strongly.   
Suddenly there are footsteps. Clunky, platform footsteps. You know, they almost sound like those lavender....platform....shoes! That wasn't Tomoyo, was it? Oh, no, it couldn't be. Then I see those swishy black locks of hair. I frantically try to push Syaoran away, but he just grabs my hand.   
"What's up, Saki?" He says, pulling me down. He _never _called me Saki before. "Don't cha like it?"   
_No, _I so want to scream. _Get away! What happened to you? _But I can't. The words are trapped in my throat.   
Then the footsteps stop. I hear them stumble; take a few steps back. Then a piercing scream.   
"You _bitch!" _Tomoyo screams, pointing in my direction, her perfect face pale, her model legs shaking. "_What the hell have you done to him? _I thought you were my friend! You--you traitor! You _fucking bitch!"_   
I don't hear anymore. My world just turns pitch black. 

*************** 


	7. Is This The End?

A/N: Wow...I haven't written a fic since like, FOREVER...it's probably writer's block. But hey. School is over. I'M GOING TO MISS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU...I LOVE YOU ALL! THANKS FOR MAKING MY LAST YEAR IN YOKO THE BEST! Okae...on to the story! Sorry...I'm a little sap-tied...sigh...   
Disclaimer: Slices, slivers, glasses, servings. Sigh. OH WELL! I HAVE NOW TAKEN A...A...A HELPING OF CCS!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! Ok. Nevermind. But you know...   
Note: Cussing. 

I'm LivingDead or Gone, Part 7 

I wake up to a delirious world, pitch black and blurry with the memories of the previous. Tomoyo slapping my face, calling me a , tears running down her perfect face. Syaoran watching silently, his eyes clouded over, unknowing, not wanting, just watching, drunk.   
There are a line of bruises across my face and down my back, one eye is swollen shut, the other, I can't even open all the way. The world is white now. I look beside me. A plastic sack of blood, an IV stuck into my arm. My heartbeat...weak. But I'm alive. Still...where am I? Am I in a hospital? It smells like iodine and medicine in this room...and then suddenly a nurse towers over my face, blocking out the light of the overcast sky. She smiles at me, and holds out a pill in her hand.   
"Here, honey, take the pill, you need it. Your friends are outside. Well, the girl is. What's her name? Tomoko? Toyota?"   
"To..." For a second there, I don't remember. The world to me is blurred and undefined. Then a flash of memory comes back to my mind and I remember everything.   
"Tomoyo," I say with a hint of sourness in my voice. "Tomoyo Daidouji." I take the pill from her hand and swallow it whole, not even needing water. "Where..is...Syaoran?" Even though he had abused me he was still my savior. I needed to find him.   
"Oh, the man?" The nurse looked uneasy. "Well, after the incident he ran off. No one knows where he is at the moment. But the police are looking for him. Underage drinking, you know."   
I nod, not half knowing what she's saying. How old is he again? Fifteen...sixteen...seventeen. Yeah, seventeen.   
Suddenly my stomach lurches foward and I retch, but nothing comes out. My head throbs uncontrollably and painfully. The room spins; my eyes droop and my head clouds over. The nurse looks at me for a second, soothing me with her eyes, then leaves the room.   
Minutes pass, which swell into hours. After awhile I've practically memorize the room. I think of getting up, rolling around the halls on the IV cart, but no....I hurt too much...emotionally probably more than physically...   
Suddenly there's a knock at the door and I stiffen. The nurse pokes her head in.   
"You have a visitor, dear," She said. God, she's probably the only person who's been nice to me in the past 24 hours.   
"Who...who is...who is it?" I barely manage to choke the words out.   
"Your friends...Tomoyo.....and the boy...."   
I sit straight up, forgetting about my injury, and immediately am seared with a stinging pain so powerful and hurtful. The nurse rushes to my side as I lay back down, panting, sweating.   
"Um...you can bring them in..." I say tiredly. "One...one at a time..."   
The nurse nods and motions Syaoran in first.   
Oh, I can't admit it, but I've missed his sweet and deep face. He looks at me with tears in his eyes, his hand lightly covering mine. Then a tear rolls down his cheek.   
My weak hand lifts itself up and wipes it away, and miraculously I feel no pain. He smiles weakly and chokes back a sob.   
"Sakura....I....I'm so sorry for what I did....I was drunk....I didn't know...I swear that if I knew what I was doing to you I would have jumped off the roof and commited suicide."   
I smile inspite of my pain. "Sssh," I say. I am so thankful for everything he's done for me. How he helped me discover the me that I really was. But that me is fading now. I can feel it...   
"I love you, Syaoran..." I say. I can't remember if this was the first time I'd ever said that. I'd probably thought it more times than I can remember, but saying it too him...   
His tears are really real now, coming in small rivers down his face. "I...I love you too, Sakura..."   
Emotional pain wells up inside me as I finally hear the words coming from his lips. I don't think he's ever said it directly to me before. But now, while I lay in a hospital bed, weak, and possibly dying, I hear the 3 words that I thought I would never _hear _in my life...   
Then the nurse walks in and smiles at us. Syaoran looks up and nods. The nurse leads him out as he looks back, one, two, three times, and I know he doesn't want me to go but that it isn't his decision.   
Then, Tomoyo walks in.   
Forever I had thought that Tomoyo Daidouji was my bestest friend in the whole world, even in the 8th grade, when the sex goddess chose to heave me under her shoulders as her slave. I respected her then. And now, just 2...maybe 3 hours ago she'd slapped me, beat me up, stuck me with a knife, maybe, because there's a throbbing pain in my upper arm. She's looking at me with a sad face, her makeup gone, her eyes, red and blotchy, her face, puffy, and she is sniffling, hiccuping the pain that she caused herself.   
"Sa-sa-sakura," She chokes out. "I-I am_ so_ damn sorry. You...y-you are my best friend and I am so sorry for any hell that I caused you, ever..."   
Hell? Let's see, if I could tell Tomoyo how many times I've took an unwanted vacation in hell I'd practically be telling her my life story. I hate her, I love her, I despise her, I worship her. A love/hate relationship that we both can't control.   
"Yeah..." I turn away. "If I die, you know..."   
Tomoyo gasped and erupted into a fresh set of tears. "I-I'd be p-p-put in jail for...for murder wouldn't I?!?!?!?"   
"Yes, Tomoyo, but I don't think I'm going to die..." I have never, in my whole life, seen Tomoyo so scared. She was always so...so lively, energectic, voluptous, vivacious, bossy, bitchy. Never scared, small, and timid. It was amazing to see Tomoyo act...well..._normal._   
"I...I hope you don't die, Sakura..." Her eyes are clouded over. I know this is hard for her. "Are you still my best friend?"   
I think of everything Tomoyo did to me. She made me the worthelss one of the school, she beat me up, she stole the person I loved, she stabbed me, she hated me, she loved me, she enslaved me. And I respected her. She would always be above my status but we'd been together forever. I always stood by her side, and even though she'd never stood by mine, if I was gone from her life, Tomoyo would be small, worthless, an ant, just like I was. I was her protector. Even though it wasn't as if she ever did anything with me, she never really did do anything bad to me, except beat me up. Sure. She was a bitch. A sex goddess. A voluptous ray of beauty. But underneath all the hype and makeup she was my best friend. I had to sccept that.   
I looked at Tomoyo squarely in the eye and smiled.   
"Of course."   
********   
A/N: Whew! This isn't the end...or is it? I want everybody who reviews to answer these questions: 

1) Do you like the way I portrayed Tomoyo?   
2) Do you like the way Sakura is?   
3) Should I continue? 

This seems to be a good chapter for an ending, but then again, I'd like to write more but I don't know what it would be about. Maybe I'll write an epilouge but that's it...what do you all think? xoxo, ladyxkodomo :)   
  
  



	8. EpilougeOne

  


A/N: *sob* I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S OVER!! *sob* *sob* WAAAAH!!! I had so much fun writing this thing....well, not fun....it was interesting though...mainly the reviews I receive are mixed feelings, I mean, they like the story but they don't like the way I portrayed blah and blah and so blah. I have tried SO HARD to write a fic where Sakura is herself, you know, sweet, innocent, dense, "hooeee"-ish, but NO! She always turns out so independent and different in the end. ..... Is that good? Who knows!! This is the epilouge and I'll probably write an alternate ending because I've been thinking of one, since truthfully epilouges are so hard to write considering this storyline and all. This is my longest story EVER. The second longest story is my Pokemon fic, _Murder at Night, _which I wrote when I was 8/9/10 years old. It had 6 chapters, but the chapters were really short, so it didn't really count that much. *sob* My longest story, coming to a complete end! How can this be? HOW? *SOB* So, on to the....*sniff* THE END!!!! *bawl*   
Disclaimer: I don't own CCS. There! No servings, helpings, slivers, slices, or, um, glasses!!!! I JUST DON'T OWN CCS!!!! *cries* it's actually over! *cries*   
Note: If you don't know the meaning of OOC, it's Out of Character. I usually tend to write that way and if you don't like Sakura being all b*tchy and stuff, and if you don't like Tomoyo fighting with Sakura and being a snob then please, don't review my story if you aren't comfortable with their personas. Well, actually, if you aren't comfortable, then tell me--read, and review. Just _don't _go on saying 'Why didn't you make them sisters like they're sposed to?' I didn't because I didn't _want _to. So please. I really do like Sakura and Tomoyo, and it's great the way they are sisters, kind of, and all, but sometimes, I just want it all to be different. It's just me. Sorry!   


I'm LivingDead or Gone, Part 8, a.k.a. Epilouge (Alternate Ending 1)   


The light streamed in through the window, illuminating the all-white room, dawning upon a young woman's head in which her brownish-black hair was twisted up into a messy yet elegant bun, bent over a couple of papers and pens.   
"Hmm, Syaoran, Tomoyo....that's all I need to send letters, to....right?"   
She opened an envelope and peeled a stamp off the backing of the paper. Before she slipped the letter in, though, she re-read it, checking for errors. 

_Dear Syaoran,_   
_ I hope that you are well and that everyone else is, too. I'm fine, but the weather lately really has been like hell, thunderstorms...things like that. When are you coming with more food? It's not like I'm made of money, you baka ass, you know. I just came out of therapy again. Shut up, I know what you're thinking..."That baka girl....I saved her life two years ago....and this is how she repays me?!?!" Come on, Syaoran. Be nice. The only reason I didn't marry you is because of this stupid therapy thing...besides....I'm only 18....who expects me to marry at age 18? Aha, not me, Syaoran Li. Nope, not me._   
_ I miss you. Really, really, really miss you. There are all these weird people in therapy--some people like me, you know, people who are always depressed 24/7, and people who cut themselves. You _know _I don't cut open my wrist with a knife, I'm just...always thinking about my past. I know everything is alright now...Tomoyo is engaged....you're fine....but I'm not just the kind of person who dwells on the present, you know...? I dwell on the past. So every day, I just sit in my dorm, thinking about _those _days...when I was a speck....when Tomoyo was all high-uppity-I'm-Tommie-and-I'm-a-lust-goddess....when you were the most popular guy in the school, and you came to help me through my life as hell...._you, _Syaoran Li....not any pitiful geek...._you. _I just...when I think about everything that happened--when you found me under the bleachers, when you kissed me when you were drunk, when Tomoyo went crazy and tried to kill me and I ended up in the hospital--the sadness and pain of everything just dwells in my chest, and that's why my stupid roommate went and told some counselor guy I was super depressed, and then he put me in therapy. Damn him!_   
_ Back to therapy....I met a girl. Her name is Chiharu. She seems nice...really nice. She told me she got in therapy because her boyfriend, Yamazaki, lies way too much. She never believed him, though, until one day, he told her that cutting yourself is a symbol of loving yourself so much you want to share your blood with the world. (I would never believe such a sod story!!! I'd be all, 'Fuck off!') But Chiharu....I guess she's a big believer in self-esteem or whatever....you know...those temple people...she tried it. And...I guess she let out a little too much blood, or whatever....but she got put in the hospital. And the nurses and doctors, they thought she was in a funk or whatever, and they thought that's why she cut herself.....she never mentioned Yamazaki to them or anything. So, that's why she's here....she says she _likes it here, though!!! _I can't believe her...but she's practically my only friend I can talk to personally now. She wants to stay here, so she cuts herself a little, to convince the nurses she's not getting any better. But when the place gets old, she says, she'll stop cutting herself for good and own up on the whole Yamazaki thing. I don't understand her...but I don't understand a lot of people at first, right?_   
_ Awww, Syaoran, you have to come back...the nurses don't like it when I stay at home by myself because they think I'll commit suicide or something. I don't have a tv, only a computer, and there's not even Internet on that. So I don't have much to do...which is why I think about...everything. So Syaoran! If you come here and tell the nurses I'm better, I can graduate from therapy, and we can get married! ^^ You'd want that, right?_   
_ Well, love, I have to go...._you better come here soon! _I really miss you!_   
_Love,_   
_ Sakura K._   


Sakura smiled. She felt good telling Syaoran all about her life now, not needing to hold it in. And yes--it had been true--she was in therapy for major depression. She couldn't help but dwell on the past. It was her personality--she just couldn't let things go, even if she'd done that a long time ago. They just came back to haunt her. However, she would be able to graduate soon, if Syaoran came and told the nurses she was fine.   
Sakura sealed the envelope and turned to the purple piece of paper next to a lavender scented envelope. 

_Dear Tomoyo,_   
_ Hello! Doing well? Aww, of course you are, you've got that guy named Eriol now...did you set a wedding date? You _have _to have an October wedding, Tomo!!! October weddings are the greatest. It's chilly and spooky and....well, maybe not. But if it's set for spring have it on April 1st!!! That way, you'll be surrounded by Sakura!! Meaning, me, and the flower. But it's your choice, Tomo._   
_ Or Eriol's._   
_But anyway, moving on. The nurses at my therapy session are way too stubborn. Oh, I told you...right? My roommate Rika told on me! She said all I did was sit by the window crying, or looking at pictures and sighing. I think she thinks I cut. But I don't. Sure, I get deeply depressed, and that's why I'm in therapy, but she saw all these metal hooks in my drawer, and she was like, "_Sakura! You can't keep a secret from me! I have proof now!_" I was like, "Huh...?" She told on me to the counselor or something. I tried to explain that those metal hooks were for my car because the auto mechanics gave them to me, but my counselor wouldn't hear it. He said, "_You don't have to hide it, Sakura. It's alright._" I was like fuck you!!! Listen to me!!! But no one would. And Syaoran couldn't come, so they put me in _there. _Therapy. Or, as the mean ones like to call it, I'm in "the loony bin." Ahahaha._   
_ I know we've moved on from since long ago, Tomoyo, but you _know _that the reason I'm in therapy is partly _your _fault. I know you said sorry and I forgive you but if you hadn't done all that stuff to me, then I wouldn't be here, Tomoyo! And you know it. Do you ever regret the way you acted? Do you ever want to go back to that life? Ever since we patched up this crappy friendship, Tomo, you've never told me what I wanted to hear. So tell me, please? Tell me if you loved me better back then when I did everything "Tommie" told me to, when you were actually _able _to wear silk purple petticoats and platform boots (ha,ha) and have anyone you wanted. It hurts to admit it, whatever the answer is but I know I can take it, Tomoyo, I know, I just need to know this._  
Just remember, Tomoyo, too many things have hurt me already....surely your answer can't.  
_ I have to go now, Tomoyo. Check up on Syaoran, make sure he got my letter. My congrats to your wedding. DON'T FORGET TO INVITE ME, or I will _personally murder you!  
_ But then again, death threats are getting really old.  
Love,  
Sakura K.  
_

Sakura sighed and put the paper in the envelope, licked it shut, and stuck the stamp on. So many months ago, almost a year, 2 years, maybe? Too many horrible memories of the past, and Sakura knew they'd stay scarred in her heart forever. Too many words and cuts, gashed into Sakura's pureness. She knew she'd never be pure again, not to the extent of what she was doing. She was stuck in an asylum. Another pinprick to the soul.   
But they were slowly healing, because time heals all wounds...slowly, but surely...._  
_Sakura checked out at the door and stuck the envelopes into the mailbox. She looked up at the sky. It was blue, cool and soft, with puffy white streaks searing themselves across the liquidy surface. What would become of her, she wondered, would everything be alright again?   
She didn't know, and it was alright with her. She had the rest of her life to make up for what she'd done. For what Tomoyo had done. For what Syaoran had done.  
When she got out of this place, she decided, she was going to start over point blank. When she got out, she would be the new Sakura Kinomoto....19 years old....not alone....not a slave...  
Herself.  


_THE END  
_

_-------------------------------------------------------- _   
  
END NOTE: OHHHHH MY GOD!!!! THIS IS  
DONE!  
DONE!  
DONE!  
DONE!  
DONE!  
DONE!  
DONE!  
Well, not exactly. There's still the 2nd ending. I think that one will be better than this one, maybe. Once again, at the end of this, I stressed the "Sakura-being-herself" point. Hey, it was a big issue, in case you didn't notice...  
The reason(s) for my delay is....  


1. I was getting hooked up on Neon Genesis Evangelion, so I was writing fics on those and researching on it. But hey, I still don't get it...  
2. My dad got us a new computer, so we had to do all the file transfers and stuff....bleah. You don't know how tiring that is!!!  
3. Ummm, homework....yes. OH MY GOD. You do not know how much a Fairfax County Public School EXPECTS from you!!!  
4. I've been managing my website, because all the layouts I've been getting are all WEIRD...  
5. Been on the phone...  
6. Been catching up with my Yokoville sisters!!!  


So, you see....I've been busy.  
The next chapter will be up in a few months. Yes, I said months! I'll be busy in November and December, December being my 13th birthday, so I can OFFICIALLY join Fanfiction.net. November being the month of catching up on Evangelion and getting Kodocha number 10 and CARDCAPTOR SAKURA: THE SEALED CARD on November 11th!!!! Also it being AnimeUSA!! Who's going! I'm going! ^_____________________^  
Well, I love all of you who reviewed, including those who really said my work sucked, because you were wrong, my work DOESN'T suck. You guys, you just made me build my mah attitude!!!  
~I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~  


LOVE,  
ladyxkodomo  


~November 3rd, 2003, 6:51 PM~  


  



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